WTF is going on with Adam Lambert’s album cover?
11/16/09 :: by DAVE WHITE
If you are Christian Siriano: The hair is a challenge to a duel.
If you are Jem or one of her Holograms: He’s asking you to party with him.
If you are the parent of a young girl: “Here’s the lipstick your child is going to want to try first. Then she’s going to turn lesbian for me. Sorry, just the facts.”
If you are the parent of a young “sensitive” boy who likes Lady Gaga: “Here’s the lipstick your childs going to want to try first. Then comes the clandestine illegal profile on Manhunt.com. Shoulda locked down his computer when you had the chance.”
If you are Lady Gaga: “You will never be as big a fag as I am.”
If you are an occupant of interplanetary craft: He is your friend.
If you are Prince: Purple Rain font, liberated at last.
If you are the CEO of MAC Makeup: He’s available for endorsements.
If you are a professional eyebrow sculptor/body waxing technician: He’s available for endorsements.
If you are just some straight guy: “See this purty mouth? Remember how wide I can open it from last season of American Idol? They’re parted for a reason, big fella. And I just broke up with my boyfriend.”
If you are anyone in the touring company of Wicked who ever told him to stop showboating from the chorus: “Later, jerks!”
If you are a one of those people who threw panties and dildos at him from the audience of the Idol tour: This is your reward. In Heathers they called it “shower nozzle” material.
If you are Todd Haynes: Consider this the ultimate Velvet Goldmine fan letter.
If you are Gene Simmons: Kiss this.
If you are Hall or Oates: Only bloggers with too much time on their hands to sift through the history of album covers will remember that he’s copying what you did on your fourth record, so he’s hoping you’ll just keep it between the three of you.
If you are Pat Robertson: He’s doing his best to make your head explode in a truly final way.